Communication in Marriage

In the usual Nairobi traffic i was listening to radio and i caught a talk show where they were discussing marriages.

The discussion was on communication in marriage.

The lady went on to say that communication is made up of 3 things

• Talking
• Listening
• Understanding

In a marriage setting couples need to learn to talk to each other and NOT at each other. ( I guess it applies in all forms of relationship). 

Talking to each other is about listening and understanding. It involves giving the other a chance to articulate they views and respecting their opinion. 

Obviously talking at each other involves the shouting.

When couples learn to communicate their is freedom of speech and one is free to express their feelings without being shot down or brushed off.

She mentioned several ways that couples can keep communication channels open

1. Find a common interest that can allow you to spend time together. Common goals is what builds the bond of friendship.
2. Be interested in what the other person is interested in or is passionate about. Most men would be interested in sports. The woman in this case can try to be interested in the particular sport. Just try and understand what it is all about. I am not saying be a guru. With passion the other party will endeavour to enlighten you about what is going on. An interested is then created because we are interested in learning more about the other individual. In this case you would be doing something out of love for the other person.
3. Making time to communicate is quite essential. we all have a busy schedule which comes with lots of worry. It is therefore necessary to make time to speak to the other person. Say GOOD MORNING, GOOD EVENING, HOW WAS YOUR DAY? Those few minutes could help especially if someone has had a bad day. The occasionally call or text during the day will actually go a along way.

As women we view intimacy differently from MEN. Women spell intimacy as T.A.L.K while men spell the intimacy as S.E.X. 

If you let a woman express and treat how words with respect (no matter how blonde they are) she will thrive and freely give herself off to a man. Most women live in a fantasy world, allow her to express herself for the growth of the relationship. Also be genuinely interested. When you ignore a woman she will tend to close up.

It is not obvious to most women about this S.E.X concept and men. I can not endeavour to explain. All i can say is that it is good for the growth of the relationship for a man to get his sexual needs meet.

In a marriage the couple needs to learn each others needs. Quite simply put husbands should actively talk to their wives while women should stop having headaches and they should give themselves off to their husbands. Let this be mutual.

Some of the biggest mistakes that are made occur when a couple has a misunderstanding. Some of the common mistakes are

1. Shouting at each other instead of talking to each other
2. Insulting the other person
3. Putting the other person down by hitting on their flaws
4. Expecting all issues to be resolved in one sitting
5. NIL-BY-MOUTH. This by far is the worst ever. The first time the couple will not talk for a day, this then turns into a week then a month then two months. Eventually the couple become house mates who share bills. The damage this does is that it severe the communication channel and an i-don't-care attitude is developed.

After any argument agree to disagree but do not ignore each other.

In conclusion

Husbands don't ignore your wives and expect them to respond to your touch the next time you approach her. This is not a switch effect. There needs to be constant talking for her to feel loved. Remember as a woman she spells intimacy as T.A.L.K.

Wives don't withhold sex and expect your husband to listen to you the next time you want to talk. Remember men spell intimacy as S.E.X.

Once couples create a balance on communication and meeting each other intimacy needs (TALK-WOMAN and SEX-MAN) then the couple is on the right track to a happy & successful marriage.

Great Leaders & Leadership

Over the weekend i attended MINDSPEAK and had the pleasure of listening to SENI ADETU Ceo of EABL and in my opinion he is such an inspiring orator.


If we had more people with his kind of mindset the business world would be further than it already is at the moment.


One of the keynotes that i picked from the session are QUALITIES OF A GOOD LEADER. I have read about this before but i loved the simplicity that was used to send the message across.


Some of the qualities that struck me about a good leader are


1. Integrity
As much as one gives good work all the time can they be trusted? At all times a great leader has to exude with integrity.


2. Consistently delivers great results
A great leader always produces great results all the time. Not some of the time but all the time. This was really a great challenge to me.


3. Grows talent
A great leader grows talent. This I guess is foreign to most businesses and would really be great if it was adopted in Kenya. Our businesses will get further than they already are as the workers would be constantly motivated to get better.


In addition his personal principles are quite easy to apply. Some of the ones that could easily be put into practise are
1. Create a legacy
2. Invent a crisis to transform a business
3. Have simplicity and clarity of direction
4. Consistently grow yourself
5 .Get 1st mover advantage. 
6. Honour your word
7. Your execution is your strategy
8. Integrity


With such kind of leadership how could we not get ahead?


True inspiration. 

After the wedding

For most women the most important part of our marriage is the wedding day. We spend a lot of time dreaming about that day from the age of 7. We want the classic white dress , the tier wedding cake and to crown it all prince charming waiting at the alter.

This is all good. We also need to put in some thought to the days after the wedding. I.E OUR MARRIAGE


Before we get married there are certain things we need to be clear about as these are the things that we will be living after the wedding.

We need to consider
1.The children
Are you going have children? If yes how many? When are you going to have the children? The spacing of the children and so on. This is really important as it has a financial impact on your budget. Secondly for the lady the children will affect your career choices.

2. Budgeting & bills
You need to know who will be paying what bills. Who will be in charge of the budget? Who will ensure that the household is run smoothly?

3. Money
Will you have a joint account? Will you share your account details? Your payslip etc. Some of these issues are not automatic for all people. Some spouses would rather not share there payslip details and so on.

4. The IN-LAWS
Will we support them? How? Will we live with them?

5. Investment
What principles will we apply when investing? Some people do not believe in investments so they can be a drag if on the partner who sees opportunity in every situation.

6. Religion
What religion are we going to ascribe to? Are we going to be going to church? Which church?


The list above is not exhaustive it is just but a sample. Most of what you need to discuss is how life will be AFTER THE WEDDING.

WHEN HE GOES SILENT

One of the most fascinating phenomena about men is there reaction when annoyed or when they have something on their mind. They amazingly go SILENT. DEAD  SILENT. This is just something we do not understand as women. (It just does not make sense)


When a man wants to think he retreats into a cave. (Sometimes called THE IDIOT BOX). The only motion that he has is flicking of channels. The remote control actually becomes an extension of his hand. This is actually not a bad thing. When you think about it , it is a good thing. This becomes his me time . It actually gives the man time to put his thoughts in order.


Now where do we go wrong as women. When he goes into his cave we follow him in. We begin to question him, ask him to talk to us and so on. Solutions which we would prefer for ourselves. We forget men and women are different. Men are not our girlfriends so they do not like to talk.

As we talk more to him he moves further into his cave. Eventually he will run out of cave and his reaction will be a negative one. Why? He was not given the time to realign his thoughts. He is more confused than ever and does not what to do next. Being a man this affects his confidence and he is not able to make decisions. This is not good as the man is dying slowly and he begins his journey on the road of resentment.

How can we as women help our men during such times? It is very simple:

• Give him time and space to think. I don't mean ignore him. I am just saying watch him from a distance and be ready when he needs you.

During this time so that we do not pull our hair out we can use this time as me time. Go shopping, go for a manicure, catch up with a friend. Something! Do anything to keep you busy. It will allow the man some time to think and be himself. Once he is done he should come out of his cave a better person.

What would be most helpful for the women is if the man gave reassurance. For example "Please give me time to think I will get back to you". And after thinking if only he could get back to his women it would so help. It would build confidence in the woman. She would know that he doesn't hate her, he just needs space.

#Just saying

WHY SIDE SHOWS BLOSSOM MORE THAN MARRIAGE

How you ever wondered why your side show seems to flourish  and make you happy as compared to your marriage?

The reason is very simple. We put more effort on our side shows as compared to our marriage.

Once we get married we assume that we have conquered all and we stop to put any more effort. We take our partners for granted and we eventually stop to care.


Lets take for example


If you have a side show you would call them every morning and several times during the day just to find out how they are doing. Or sometimes just to tell them sweet nothings. This person will definitely feel very special and in return will reciprocate.
Once you marry your partner the calls stop. Don't you think that this person feels empty? Neglected?


Every so often you buy your sideshow a gift just to make them happy. Give them money for hair or any other item with a smile. Take them out just because they are down. (Without complaining). With your partner when they ask for anything the first thing you do is grumble then say no. When was the last time you took your partner out? Dated them? Did something for them just because? Made them feel special?


Every time you see your side show you complement them. You say something nice and so on. Your partner is human and also needs to hear the same.Oh how it would make them feel special if you told them that you appreciate anything about them.


You apologise to your side show so that they don't leave. You have never apolgised to your partner even when you know that you are wrong.


Marriage can be a lot easier if we put just a little effort. Treated our partners with respect and love. Forgive just a little more; tolerate just some more. Looked the other way sometimes, shouted a lot less, complemented more.


Just because you are married doesn't mean that you cannot continue to date and make your partner feel special.


Try this out : All that effort and time spent on your side show apply it to your partner and see if it makes a difference. Be strong especially if your partner is skeptical at first. Eventually they should warm up.


Just saying!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where some men go wrong?

Am currently reading a book on personalities. We all know the different personalities Melancholic, Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic.



What struck me the most was the choleric personality. (Maybe because am not one). 
They believe that complements, tears and showing approval are a sign of weakness. What??????????????? 

Let us extrapolate this to a relationship.

These kind of men do not see the need to complement their wives, girlfriends, partners. Are they serious? I am a woman I thrive on complements. I want to be told how beautiful I am, how good I look. I already know that I am all that and a bag of chips ( I have a mirror and all ) but it would not hurt to be told the same(especially if it comes from a man. A Man that I love). It is actually an ego booster.


These men believe that if they critise they will encourage their partner to work harder and become better. They could not be more wrong. What the criticism does is that it drives the partner away. Slow makes the partner feel very empty.


Most partners of such men tend to be emotionally unfulfilled and they will strive to look for the satisfaction elsewhere. Hmmmmmmh!


And it goes without say once a woman give herself away emotionally their is no holding back on anything else.


The saddest part with these men is that tears don't move them. I am a woman it is what we do. We shout, through tantrums and cry.


Such men are emotionally batterers. (They may not even be aware that they are doing this.)


If such men learn the value of complements and giving approval they will have one of the most successful relationship ever.

For them it means that they need to hold back every time they want to speak. This way they will soften their words. They also need to consciously complement. I know it will start of very mechanically but with time and practice it becomes a habit. They even learn to appreciate and see the good in people.

The above thoughts are applicable in all facets of life of a choleric.

From a christian perspective if you are filled with the fruits of the holy spirit then it becomes easy.

Still understanding her

Have you ever wondered why the not so handsome guy gets to keep the very beautiful girl? The handsome guy has put little on no effort to get the girl and because of this he also puts little or no effort in the relationship and so cannot keep the girl. The rich guy has bought her all that money can buy and gives her emotionally empty so she goes out to search for love. 

These women then land with the not so handsome guy with little or no money and is extremely satisfied.

This guy know that he has nothing material to offer and so takes his time to understand the woman to ensure that he can keep her.

This is what he does

• He always offers a shoulder to cry on. Once she is done talking all he says is everything is going to be OK and she immediately feels better. Most women do not want solutions they just need to vent. This woman will keep running back to this man.
• He always complements her. Makes her very special for the moment they are together. For that moment he makes her feel very very very special
• He always find softer ways to give her feedback. He will never put her down. Example Sweetie I want to cut my hair. He knows that it is a horrible idea. He will not say that. His response Babie if you cut your hair i will miss the way you look when .......... The next day she will come in that hairstyle and he will complement her.Crisis averted
• He is there for her with all her ideas. He is the kind of guy who will have his arms open when she fails and reassure her that next time it will work. Or better yet he will run ahead of her and ensure that all is well there

In short he treats her very well and it costs him nothing.

In return he gets all her love and dedication no matter what.

Understanding her

It is said that a woman is the most complicated being but you will be surprised how easy it is to understand her. It is quite interesting you know. Just take your time and you will be surprised.